My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
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If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.