My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
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Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
I’d … I’d rather not.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.