Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”

If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.

*first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what

DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?

[having house guests]

Me: omg I need to CLEANNN

[30 minutes later]

Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME

I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.

Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?

ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break

Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch

My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.

A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.

Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.

11: can I see one of your last tweets?

Me: *pulls up tweet*

11: no, I meant a funny one

Succinctly put.

[1st date]

Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster

Him: we should check out my hot-tub later

Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*

It do be feeling this way.

All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.

Me: How many would be the equivalent?

Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-

Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?

Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’

Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’

interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?

me: umm I believe those are from the space bar

by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt

I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.

Me: I have a headache.

WebMD: and it will be your last.

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.

thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.

Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real

The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing

I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.

Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.