Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?

[giving cops my statement after my house was robbed by the breakdancing burglar] no music but he was still hittin that shit

I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.

The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.

Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.

*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*

*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art

If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.

One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.

The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.

Shame, he’s very attractive.

There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi

Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell

It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.

Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.

I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.

My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.

btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing

Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.

Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!

Them: What is it?

Me: I literally. Just. Said.

People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.

Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.

Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.

I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.

My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.

[3am]

no one:

not a soul:

my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself

shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can