My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
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[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
I just want the confidence of my teen who replied “Who’s this?” to a guy who texted her after ghosting her for a month.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
2024 was a year of tremendous personal growth. I’m up four pants sizes since January.
Get in loser we’re going crying
“Condescending?” Who put that word into your pretty little head?
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
I am HOWLING at this
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean