My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
You Might Also Like
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
My good tweets are in my other pants.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream
Lucky old June.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.