Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.

Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.

*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*

Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work

Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked

Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!

I love how people think those little cheese knives are for serving cheese, like awwww that’s cute no those are for *defending* your cheese, trust no one

Dog: *just lookin at me*

Me: go lay down

Dog: ok.

Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*

Me: *wincing* thank you

Cat: damn right thank you

Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.

My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.

If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.

judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth

me: yes

judge: who do you like

me: omg dare

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

My therapist after every session

Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse

Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.

Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???

Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*

Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.

Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.

someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.

Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.

Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?

*puts on Band-Aid*

*bursts into flames*

[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:

I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.

My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana

Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.

Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.