My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
You Might Also Like
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
New tinder profile pic
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.