My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
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[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums