My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
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Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Bro, you’re not allowed to have your tongue drop out of your mouth and form a stair case when you see my wife anymore
それは草
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Still my favourite meme.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
“I’m two bingo numbers away from winning a turkey,” is the most erotic thing I said aloud today.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money