My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
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Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
describing stardew valley
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..