My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
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eggs benadryl
woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel