My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
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I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.
He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”
No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing