My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
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I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.
Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.Bread.
The kid likes bread.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share