I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
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my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
A picture’s worth 1,000 words, which explains why Twitter only shows 14 percent of the images I post.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Guys who say there’s a party in their pants are probably referring to search parties.
Watching my former girlfriend with binoculars is ex-sighting
ah yes, halloween. the scary day. the day when everything is terrifying. unlike the other normal days of this year
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.