My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
The glory of fall.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.