@mommajessiec

My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.

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@KentWGraham

I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”

@stuckinaportal

my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”

@TuSoonShakur

Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!

@StoferComic

A picture’s worth 1,000 words, which explains why Twitter only shows 14 percent of the images I post.

@Shen_the_Bird

me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral

god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit

@bornmiserable

Guys who say there’s a party in their pants are probably referring to search parties.

@Ochie2S

Watching my former girlfriend with binoculars is ex-sighting

@InternetHippo

ah yes, halloween. the scary day. the day when everything is terrifying. unlike the other normal days of this year

@AnkCoupleTO

If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills

@LouisPeitzman

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.