@mommajessiec

My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.

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@SequelsWeWant

Inside Out 2:

The girl enters puberty.

Her emotions get out of control.

She goes Goth.

Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep

@secondofhername

Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…

@10InchesPlus

Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.

@dollfaceiam

*points to person jogging outside through the snow*

“Look kids, a lunatic”

@GonzoVice

You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.

@13spencer

“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.

@WorkingMom86

*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”

@FatBottomGirl1

Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.

@Storminika

Every time Nicki Minaj tells someone their voice isn’t good enough on Idols, someone is crushed to death by the weight of the irony.