My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
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Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
What the hell is going on?
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
