My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
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interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Brother?
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.