Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!

~Poprah

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.

Oh sure so it’s okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,

Winning a game of chess: I am a being of pure logic… pure rationale… I should try out for Mensa… I should call the pentagon and see if they need my services…

Losing a game of chess: This game is essentially a toy. Oooo I moved my horsey. The one with the pointy hat goes eoou

Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.

Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.

Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.

Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀

[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”

Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”

COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem

I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.

I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.

I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.

Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.

I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.

Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar

ME: I had salmon for lunch

WIFE: the L is silent, idiot

ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch

I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.

My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further

I would like even faster food.

1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.

Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.

nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.