My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
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(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Showerkraut
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.