My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
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For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Warm pools make me nervous.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right