My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
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Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.