Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”

-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.

Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.

nothing like a slow cooked sausage

Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.

I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike

CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.

My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”

[4 hours later]

Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes

I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.

Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?

So sad. Really.

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on

I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens

When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.

If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.

COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.

ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.

Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.

What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣

reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards

My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.

*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.

[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed

sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

[Zoom call]

Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute

It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.