Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes

me: [offering joint] wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before

I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.

My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.

My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?

Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭

I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”

Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped

I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks

Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.

Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.

I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.

I tested positive for being brown.

Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”

Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.

{asks friend for help with a draft}

*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’

Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”

Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.

[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school

My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.

Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…

The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song

Van Gogh: here you go

My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity

Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house

I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.

I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.

Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ

Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”

HOST: Make yourself at home!

ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.

With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.

No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.

Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos

My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.