My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
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Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
My neck my back my allergy attack
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..