Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.

therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?

me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter

My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.

Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle

For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.

I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…

“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away

🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶

I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.

Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on

7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified

7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials

If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name

[texting]

Him: What’re you doing

Me: Watching a chicken strip

H: Why don’t you just eat it

M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD

I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.

And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.

“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.

Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.

“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made

[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.

nyc:

Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*

Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something

And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much

What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.

I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.

As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??

Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.

Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.

if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton

I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”

When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.

Me: [fails Captcha test]

Captcha: haha goptcha

It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.

*takes off sunglasses*

Oh.