My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
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dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Just me?
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
the short answer to this question
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
this is the greatest thing ever
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.