Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..

It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.

Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.

hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.

So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet

2021

Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.

Managers: wut?

[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*

Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?

Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.

Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?

Date: I don’t see a future for us.

I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.

Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single

Marriage counselor: and the puns?

Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it

Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate

Waitress: Is everything ok?

Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]

My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral

You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.

We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.

my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*

Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..

My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.

Laziness level: expert.

I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.

Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.

I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.

Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

Step 3: Return the 3D printer.

My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.

Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁

WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!

One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.

Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.

Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*

*Grave robbers exempt.

In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”