My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
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Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
*offers Batman cough drops*
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Many hands make light work
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!