My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
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“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly