My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
You Might Also Like
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
imagine getting destroyed like this
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?