My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
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Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
Only a mother’s love …
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?
Wife: Six, Your Honor.
Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.
Husband: She also stole a can of peas!
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.