My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
You Might Also Like
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
“you’re a psychopath” at least i’m on a path babe sort your life out
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
