My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
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[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
when you don’t want to be too vague
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
I need to update my racial profile.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Art by Pastelkatto
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?