My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
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When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”
Student: Would you use it in a sentence?
Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy