My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
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The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
do not feed a big man 12 eggs a day. you super charge a big man’s egg power levels to that extent he will devour your other family members. trust me I learned this the hard way
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.