My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
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Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.