My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
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Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.