My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
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Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Hermit crabs fact: They can be got rid of with a special shampoo but hermits are often too reclusive to visit the pharmacy.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.