My husband educating me about Kendrick Lamar: This song is supposed to be a diss against Drake.
Me: First of all, what’s a Drake?
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Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
My husband said I’m the most amazing woman on the planet. GEESH CRAIG WHAT ABOUT THE MILLIONS OF OTHER PLANETS?!? AM I JUST MEDIOCRE ON THOSE? I’m throwing up so much right now
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
