My husband educating me about Kendrick Lamar: This song is supposed to be a diss against Drake.
Me: First of all, what’s a Drake?
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Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
I wish they made a KFC scented air freshener so my car wouldn’t smell like Taco Bell all the time.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
imagine how many people are in a mr. beast torture sphere right now and missing all this
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you