My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
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I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
By the third month of my sentence, I’d whittled a lifelike gun from a bar of soap and covered it in shoe polish. That’s how bored I was.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
😂💯
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
I don’t believe him.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?