My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
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Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
hmm conte-me mais
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
