Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.

Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes

Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I just need money.

Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.

Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.

Waitress: Is everything ok?

Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?

Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?

Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.

Kylo:

Leia:

Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?

Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

Hour 43 no smoking:

-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.

seems like a niche market

I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:

a) that we were racing,

And more importantly,

b) that I won.

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*

Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: can I buy a noun

I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.

Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.

[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves

My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.

Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?

Hey, is that guy dead?

I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.

If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.

As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way…

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice.

I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”

I just slipped on a banana peel.

It didn’t fit.

Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.

I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.

-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?