If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
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Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
Apples greatest success is convincing the world they need a new phone, to replace the one you aren’t making phone calls on, every year.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.
Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
[walking into a mattress store]
Me: [smiling too hard]
Manager: You can’t jump on the beds.
Me: [no longer smiling]