@JustBeingEmma

My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?

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@KyleMcDowell86

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following

@SvnSxty

Wife: I hate that thing

Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!

Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico

Me: It’s a collector’s item!

Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”

Me:

Wife:

Me: You want me to toss it?

Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties

@TheRolo

When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.

@Zombieionism

Apples greatest success is convincing the world they need a new phone, to replace the one you aren’t making phone calls on, every year.

@OkieGirl405

I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids

@BCMontgo

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

@Shen_the_Bird

robber: alright everybody hit the floor!

me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come

@jjax44

It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.

@LurkAtHomeMom

My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”

@ComedicBust

[walking into a mattress store]

Me: [smiling too hard]

Manager: You can’t jump on the beds.

Me: [no longer smiling]