My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
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If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Life cycle of cat