My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
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I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
me: I’m eating a new piece of cheese every day
them: is it for an advent calendar
me: no
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
For anyone that’s still confused here’s a cheat sheet for this week.
Sun
Idk
Wtf
Idk
Idk
Wtf
Sat
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”