Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.

Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo

Me: lol *like*

Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news

Me: n-

Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at

Do you want contact-free delivery?

□ Yes
▣ No

today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes

I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.

“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink

Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”

My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper

Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches

[kid, about to do something stupid]

ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.

just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.

Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.

The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with

my favouritest X’s, ranked:

9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife

I hate avocados

*gets kicked out of California*

[Spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.

Me: “I-N-V-U-“

Judge: I am pretty awesome.

Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard

Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.

This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far

In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.

God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink

Angel: that’s pretty cool

G: but only a little bit

A: ooookaaaayy…

G: and they’re leaky as hell

A: there it is

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.

HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.

ATM: just any 4 numbers.

Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.

Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.