my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
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“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
no regrets
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.