Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.

Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.

I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal

My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?

I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.

No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.

*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette

[Last day of school for the year]

Kids: Yay!

Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]

The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.

me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles

1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?

Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.

“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish

Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.

– Cannibal Presidential Debates

Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.

“I just got engaged!”

— Starship Enterprise

“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”

But she got me a shitty gift.

“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”

Well that’s a dumb policy.

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.

If you kill the question, what do you bury?

The question remains.

i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month

I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.

I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.

After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.

Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.

Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.

My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.

Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?

me texting friend: ooh what happened?!

friend: *sends elaborate voice note *

me to myself: guess I’ll never know

Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.

Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time

Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-

[10 minutes later]

Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE