Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.

Husband: You should do the Calm app.

Me: You should do the STFU app.

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.

lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much

Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?

My Husband: Raising three kids

Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.

your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids

Cilantro tastes like soap.

– People who eat soap, apparently

Me: I’m so lonely.

ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.

For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31

On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice

I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.

do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”

I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.

I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.

Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me

7 year old: two of the boys at school were executed for fighting

me: you mean ‘expelled’?

7 year old: I’m pretty sure about this one, dad

I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.

Me: pick and choose your battle.

My son: I choose every battle.

“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?

I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.

Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me

My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”

If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches

The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is

If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.

While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.