My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
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My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Netflix: We have Less
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.