My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
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[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
I saw nothing
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.