Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.

Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.

Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.

The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.

I want this so bad

WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?

ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.

*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!

My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this

In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.

Sure like to know that story

Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.

cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding

me: fine

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.

How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”

When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*

judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?

me: I do

I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!

*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*

this isn’t my first rodeo

– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time

I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.

Ha ha I’m so lonely

I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.

[ asteroid approaching earth ]

me: *slapping baseball mitt*

5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.

Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice

Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’

Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’

4-year-old: What does God smell like?

Me:

4-year-old:

Me: Nachos.

4-year-old: With cheese?

[Spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.

Me: “I-N-V-U-“

Judge: I am pretty awesome.

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves