My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
