My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.
But I eventually calmed down.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
