My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
