@stonecold2050

My husband found another tasty treat at the market.

Yum…People Meat!

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@djdarrellripley

Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?

Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!

@Shen_the_Bird

[arriving in hell]

me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever

satan: where did you even find denim underwear

@birbigs

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

@SugarMagicSpice

What do you get when you pick a pigs nose?
Hamboogers
I know. It snot funny. I’ll go now.

@Lunatic_times

when the lady in the elevator burst into tears I did the only thing a man could do in the situation. I fell to the floor and played dead.

@Mr_Kapowski

Fun Prank: If someone leaves their car windows cracked cause it’s hot outside, start slipping unwrapped Kraft Singles in their car

@Kryzazy

Goes to Nirvana themed “Come as you are” party. Gets arrested for indecent exposure.

@weirdralph

The next time someone says “expect the unexpected,” I’m going to punch them in the nose and ask if they expected that.

@warne888

When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”

@SilleVio

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon