My husband found another tasty treat at the market.

Yum…People Meat!

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Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?

Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!


[arriving in hell]

me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever

satan: where did you even find denim underwear


Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.


What do you get when you pick a pigs nose?
I know. It snot funny. I’ll go now.


when the lady in the elevator burst into tears I did the only thing a man could do in the situation. I fell to the floor and played dead.


Fun Prank: If someone leaves their car windows cracked cause it’s hot outside, start slipping unwrapped Kraft Singles in their car


Goes to Nirvana themed “Come as you are” party. Gets arrested for indecent exposure.


The next time someone says “expect the unexpected,” I’m going to punch them in the nose and ask if they expected that.


When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”


Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon