The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
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On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
twitter users today:
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.