My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
You Might Also Like
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Every photo I’m tagged in
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.