My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

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[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married


This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?


My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.


My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…


I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.


“Holy shit. That butterfly’s gonna be HUGE.”

— First person to find a mummy


If I were a fashion designer I wouldn’t spend any money on advertising but rather pay old people to wear my competitor’s clothing


*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog