@JustBeingEmma

My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”

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@markleggett

1am: Huh, I’m not tired…

2am: I feel great! Maybe I don’t need sleep?

3am: LET’S EXECUTE EVERY IDEA I’VE EVER HAD.
3:04am: Euthanise me.

@ChickenColeman

Atheists swear they not going to hell just cuz they don’t believe in it. nigga I don’t believe in having a job but I still go to work

@KalvinMacleod

[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*

@upsidedowntrash

Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.

@bornmiserable

[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]

@PinkCamoTO

My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.

@urmumsausername

She was rare…

… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.

@PyJamieParty

Toilet paper suggests the existence of toilet rock and toilet scissors.

@UncleDuke1969

Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?

4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.