My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
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Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword