My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
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Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Camel dough
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*