My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
You Might Also Like
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Fact: In the early years, Pan Am never made money under founder Juan Trippe. It was only after he employed his brother, Return Trippe, that the airline became highly profitable.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
friend: i really need your advice
me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.