Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

This dudes dogs 😁battle cry

I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.

*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*

doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?

me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim

ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?

GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy

ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that

I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry

“Did you read the fine print?”

Me: I didn’t even read the large print

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh

her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college

me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?

Daughter likes bananas.

Daughter likes banana bread.

Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.

TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?

Me: Just one.

TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?

Me: B-E-Z-O-S

Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.

When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.

Here’s the picture I used for the ad.

They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11

Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.

*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama

Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.

Raisins, she wants raisins.

My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”

We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.

Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”

The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.

#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill

Mine in this week’s New Yorker

Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean

*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*

I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.

“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.

*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me

No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.