My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
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North and South
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2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
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me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn’t actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out