My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
