Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago

On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.

You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.

ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.

HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?

ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.

My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.

Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.

WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly

lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy

me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes

lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died

I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.

Especially from you-know-who.

its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??

Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.

Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.

You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.

*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No

Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?

Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.

What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!

I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for

Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’

Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’

Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’

*When I see someone else jaywalk*

“What an idiot.”

*When I jaywalk*

“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”

My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep

Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind

6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?

Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.

Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.

Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food

If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.