My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
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HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
My last name is Zilla.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.