My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
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Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.