Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.

Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.

We are NOT ok.

[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.

Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head

Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.

Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?

Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE

ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!

ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?

On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.

I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast

Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

*puts on headphones

*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”

*downs energy drink

*laces up Nikes

*runs out into 13° weather

*runs back inside

*Naps

PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy

My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.

The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake

My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.

I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.

if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around

Me: [touching grass]

Grass: ok first of all, no.

microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist

My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”

Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.