Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”

I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF

My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.

So annoying when she does this every week.

Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.

Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.

me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.

I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!

Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me

[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not

If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.

Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake

I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

Average age of billionaires: 65

Average age of billionaires in books: 35

My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…

WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?

INSOMNIAC: No

me: dinosaurs can’t talk

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead, barb

rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about

[me as a mechanic]

*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.

When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.

People at work: you’re hilarious,man

Family: you’re really funny

Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know

Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job

Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.

You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.

I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed

*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*

You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit

Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.

I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it

You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children

My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”

I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”

1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!