Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.

Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.

My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?

Me: Are you mad at me?

Wife: Eventually.

“You want a BOOTH?!”

“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”

“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”

~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand

Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar

(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace

4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”

“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”

My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.

GRAVES.

I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”

I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store

My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”

My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.

Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.

Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.

Be careful what you put out there.

girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears

The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.

Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.

That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.

me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??

Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.

Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist

Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people

5 ways to appear taller

why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex

i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again

Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.

My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home

Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it

[on phone]

me: honey I won some free tickets

wife: cool, for what?

me: speeding and resisting arrest

wife: never heard of them

What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.

And…

…am I doing this joke thing right?

[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]

“Take me to your leader”

[30 minutes later]

Me: So, this is my wife…