My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
You Might Also Like
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Y’all ready for this
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!