Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused

[text]

Me: Where are you?

Boy: home

Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.

Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively

Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company

How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now

I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.

Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.

Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl

*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?

There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.

Pros & cons of being a skeleton:

Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..

Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone

one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.

*date night*

Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!

Me: …omelettes 🙁

Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.

Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.

Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.

Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.

Me: just tell her to use the force lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?

Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.

Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.

Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…

Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?

Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”

My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.

You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.

By age 35 you should:

-live in a cave on a mountain

-hate everyone

-try to destroy christmas at least once

-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.

I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012

ME: my son ran away

COP: we won’t rest until we find him

ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush