My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
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[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.