My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
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We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
When you kidnap a writer.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
What the hell happened here.
*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
True story 🤣
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*