Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”

If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.

me when I see my crush

BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula

A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.

Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body

I think I might have a shower.

*checks*

Yes, I have a shower.

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert

men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less

Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”

Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.

apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks

I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.

The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’

Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.

I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.

I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.

Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.

My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.

imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now

I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.

Send help.

HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!

ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.

my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying

#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.

*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*

CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.

[after a zombie encounter]

me: you gotta shoot me

friend: but what if we find a cure

me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please