Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.

technique

Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …

Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.

I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.

Tomorrow is open Mike night.

*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president

There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.

*at confessional

Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’

Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’

“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”

The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.

Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister

*gets off on a technicality

Technicality: Perv.

My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”

10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”

Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.

I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.

There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.

This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along

what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen

what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.

Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow

I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.

I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER

I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.

Trains are just sideway elevators.

Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!