My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
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i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.