My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
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Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent