My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
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Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.