My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
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At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice